Finding Space in the Chaos
Hi, Sammy here! Writing to you not just as a therapist, but as a mom to three-and-a-half-year-old twins, who feels overwhelmed by parenting more often than I’d like to admit. I know the tools. I teach the strategies. I talk about this stuff all the time! And yet, I still find it hard to remember to use them, especially when there’s extra on my plate.
What I have to remind myself (often) is that finding space in the chaos isn’t about having it all figured out. It’s about the act of returning, again and again, to the small practices that help us feel grounded in the midst of it all.
Why Parenting Feels So Hard Right Now
Last year, the U.S. Surgeon General released an advisory on parental stress, and the findings were striking: Forty-one percent of parents reported being so stressed on most days that they couldn’t function, compared to 20% of non-parents. Nearly half described their stress as completely overwhelming.
Why?
One reason is that the current standard of modern parenting demands more of our time, energy, and resources than in previous generations. Research shows that working mothers today spend as much time tending to their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s, even as fathers have also increased their caregiving and household contributions. In other words, parents today are spending significantly more time both parenting and working.
On top of that, we’re parenting within a system of limited structural support: lack of affordable childcare, insufficient parental leave, economic and political uncertainty, social media comparison, and increasing isolation.
No wonder we all feel so stressed!
If you’ve ever felt like you’re the only one struggling to hold it all together, please know that you’re not alone. The exhaustion so many parents feel isn’t a personal failure, it’s a reflection of the demanding and imperfect system we’re parenting within. So what can we do on an individual level to reduce our stress?
Understanding Stress in Our Bodies
When life feels stressful, it can help to first understand what’s actually happening in our bodies. Stress is a protective response from a very old part of the brain whose primary job is to keep us alive.
When our brain detects a threat, it shifts from its thinking center (the prefrontal cortex) to its survival center (the amygdala), aka the part responsible for our fight, flight, or freeze responses.
So when your toddler refuses to put on their shoes, you’re already late for work, and you feel your heart racing, jaw tightening, or fists clenching, that’s your nervous system responding to a perceived threat. Evolutionarily, it’s the same response as if there were a tiger in the room.
The problem is that today’s “tigers” - money, work, parenting, relationships - don’t pose an immediate threat to our survival. They are continuous, inescapable - meaning our bodies stay on high alert far longer than they were designed to.
Our goal isn’t to eliminate stress (that’s impossible). The goal is to notice it sooner, soothe our nervous system when it’s activated, and create enough calm for our thinking brain to come back online so that we can remember the tools to help us find a little space amidst it all.
Reducing Stress
Plan ahead when you can.
When we can anticipate what’s coming, we can make a plan while we’re calm and have greater access to critical thinking, creativity, and problem-solving. Maybe that means looking at the week ahead and asking, What can I do to make this week a little easier? Perhaps it’s planning simple dinners, ordering groceries to be delivered instead of shopping, or canceling a commitment you no longer have the capacity for.
Communicate early and often.
Saying out loud that something feels hard, whether to a friend, partner, or therapist, creates space for support to exist. While it can be hard to ask for and receive help, please know that we were not meant to parent alone. If you know it’s going to be a stressful week, could a friend pick up your child from school one day? Can you and your partner schedule breaks for each of you? Could you invite yourself to a family member’s house for dinner so you don’t have to cook?
Adjust expectations.
Adjust (ahem, lower) your expectations for yourself, your partner, and your kids. What can you let go of to make things easier, while still staying aligned with your values as a family? Dinner might look like scrambled eggs on the couch tonight. That basket of laundry might sit for another day. That doesn’t mean anyone has failed!
Regulating Our Bodies in the Moment
Even with awareness and planning, we’ll still experience stress. It is an inevitable part of life. Regulation strategies like the ones below can be used in acute moments of stress to help your thinking brain and emotional brain reconnect so you can regain access to calm and clarity faster.
Breathe
Belly breathing: Place one hand on your belly and breathe in deeply through the nose so that your belly fills with air, pushing against your hand. Slowly breathe out through your mouth. Repeat at least 3 times.
Alternate nostril breathing: Use your thumb and ring finger to alternately close one nostril while inhaling and exhaling through the other. Repeat for several breaths.
Box breathing: Inhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts, exhale for 4 counts, hold for 4 counts. Repeat at least 3 times.
Move
Heel drops: Stand up on your toes and drop down to your heels with some force. Shake or wiggle your arms at the drop for extra energetic release.
Tense and release: Squeeze your fists tight into balls and slowly release until they are fully relaxed. Repeat.
Butterfly hug + taps: Cross arms across your body to alternate sides as if giving yourself a hug and alternate sides tapping on your upper arm.
Senses
Cold exposure: Drink ice water, splash cold water on your face, or, to really go for it, dunk your face in a bowl of cold water or take a cold shower.
Eye palming: Place the heels of your palms onto your eyes and focus on the sensation of pressure (as a bonus, this can also help to reduce stimulation).
Gargling: Gargle water in the back of your throat for 30 seconds or so - this helps activate part of our nervous system responsible for calming.
Practicing Self-care + Self-Compassion
Self-care can often feel like one more thing on the to-do list. When you’re already running on empty, the idea of a daily yoga practice or an hour of meditation can feel completely out of reach. Instead, ask yourself: What’s one thing I can do that’s just a little bit better?
If scrolling on your phone at night leaves you feeling drained, maybe text a friend or watch old SNL clips instead. If a full workout isn’t possible, step outside for a short walk and a few deep breaths of fresh air.
Truly even the smallest act of kindness toward yourself counts. Drink a glass of water first thing in the morning before your coffee. Go to bed 10 minutes earlier. Let the dishes wait until tomorrow. Put on a song you love instead of what your kids want to hear. These aren’t indulgences, they’re small ways to show yourself some care.
And when your inner critic gets loud (because it will), try this simple phrase: This is hard, and I’m doing my best.
Because you are doing a good job. And you deserve calm, too.
Practice
If you are wanting to put the above into action, here is a roadmap to making a plan that is specific to you and your life right now. Set a timer for 15 minutes and move through the following - try to jot down the first ideas that come to mind, without overthinking (try, I said!)
Identify your current top stressors — the external factors around you (illness, work, relationships, caregiving, finances, big transitions). Then note your top triggers — the in-the-moment situations that tend to spark a stress response (morning routine, bedtime, toddler tantrums, specific tone of voice from our partner).
Make a plan. For each stressor or trigger, jot down what’s within your control to make things a little easier.
What can I do or change to make this situation feel lighter?
Are there ways to avoid or reduce the stressor or trigger?
Who can I call on for support, big or small?
Who can I talk to about what feels hard and what I need?
What can I let go of?
Where can I take pressure off myself, while still acting in line with my values?
Pick 1–3 regulation strategies to try when you feel stressed. Decide which to use in which situation. Notice what signals in your body will remind you it’s time to use them. Remember: the goal isn’t to make stress disappear - it’s simply to soothe your system enough to get your thinking brain back online so that you can more thoughtfully respond to whatever is happening in front of you.
Choose one mantra rooted in self-compassion. Write it on a sticky note or set a daily phone reminder. Let it be a gentle nudge back to center when things feel hard.
Need extra support in finding some grounding through this season of chaos? You can always reach out and schedule a session with me! Together, we’ll help create some more space for calm and joy.
Happy holidays to you and yours!
Sammy
